I think we would all be fooling ourselves if we attempted to say that the last two years were not hard. The pandemic exposed all of us to scenarios that many of us could never have imagined. From isolation, to the "new normal", to frustration over whom to believe, and on and on and on. One of the hardest things for myself was the constant drain of trying to stay positive.
My number one strength on Strength Finders is Positivity. Almost all of my close friends would affirm this. I am also an encourager. I love to offer an encouraging word as a means to help boost peoples morale, and help them feel less overwhelmed. On the line of positivity I tend to be able to find the silver lining in even the worst situation.
After an entire year of this, I found myself feeling heavy, and unable to put my standard shiny spin on the current situations. Another little nugget about my personality is that I am a peacekeeper. I do not like tension, or confrontation, and this can often lead me to not ask for help when I need it.
I consider myself to be very resilient, and able to withstand even the most prolonged onslaught. This was true for over a year worth of isolation, mandates, rules, and general alterations to our daily life. Then something changed. I can't peg when it happened exactly, but I do remember this feeling that I just couldn't keep up any longer.
Sadly, because I do not like to burden people, I kept these feeling to myself. I was putting on a good face in front of people, but rather than feeling energized by interactions like I normally do (as an extrovert), I was experiencing fatigue from social interactions. This was when I first realized that I was in trouble.
I was still able to keep up the smile in public, when I was alone though, weariness was all over me. I would sit quietly alone, and found that I was starting to avoid interactions with people who I usually enjoyed the company of. This feeling left me desiring to cut off all contact with everyone because I didn't have any energy to spare for anyone else.
One night after everyone went to sleep, I took a huge step, I started to write down how I felt. I knew that writing down my feeling was a great beginning, however, I recognized that I needed to share this with someone else too. While putting my feelings on paper was refreshing, I found that naming the issue was what really set me free. Depression is a scary word, and one that I thought was impervious to.
When I wrote the word "depression" I felt as though I received a release, because I had been lying to myself about how I was feeling. The second wave of relief came when I told my wife. By sharing with her I found that now it was out in the open, and I did not have to hide it. This gave me confidence to share with my mentor, and every time I spoke about the truth of my emotions, I received healing.
Does this mean that I am cured of depression, no. I feel as though any one of us can be susceptible to depression if we deny to ourselves how we feel, or swallow it down. Shining a light on the issue allows us to see it more clearly for what it is.
I recognize that every individual is affected by this in a different way, unique to the individual. Remember, it is okay to not be okay. And if you want to talk about it, please feel free to reach out.
It’s been a grind.