I have a weird tenancy to over do it when it come to physical exertion. On top of that, I am equally bad about asking for help. Around our little farm there is always a great deal of work to do, and this is where my terrible habit rears its ugly head. I wont ask for help, rather, I will push myself until my body hurts, then pretend like I'm fine when in reality I can't lift a towel off the floor without wincing in pain.
Why do I feel driven to work until I hurt, then pretend like its ok when I am not? I think about my chickens who will pretend that they are not sick as a survival technique, and then one day you find them dead in the coop. I don't think its that extreme, yet for some reason men in particular will cover up issues as a means to protect themselves.
What drives this? Am I trying to prove myself? Do I desire to be seen as some sort of tough guy? What is the benefit of this mentality? Am I afraid of people's perceptions of me?
As I pondered this question today, I considered all the times I pushed through the pain. When I worked at Fred Meyer I was in management I was putting a shelf in on a wall, and was leaning out sideways and I herniated a disc in my back. Rather than file a work claim I toughed it out. As a manager I did not want to be perceived as weak. I remember thinking about other people who were injured on the job, and almost all of the management would view them either as liars, or as weak.
I think the truth is rooted deeper in fear. I was afraid of how people would see me. I did not then, or now, want people to view me as weak, a liar, or uncapable. Somehow I ended up in a situation where I craved praise from others so much that having their affirmation was more important than my well being, both mentally and physically.
Let me restate that, I cared more about what people thought about me than I cared about my well being. This doesn't just pertain to physical issues, but is also reflective of illness, and mental issues. I remember pushing myself to the brink while grand opening a new store, and almost having a nervous breakdown.
I prided myself on being able to grind it out. A great friend of mine described it as the ability to "suffer". Endurance and the ability to work through hardship is developed around how much suffering a person can take. When I was a wrestler in high school the best wrestlers were the ones who were mentally the strongest.
While I loved my time as a wrestler, I look back now and see that I developed some habits that are now proving to be detrimental to my well being. What I found is those nagging pains on the physical side eventually take a toll on the mental side. The hardest person to be an advocate for seems to be myself.
Over the last few years I have started working through this. It began by admitting to my wife that I was having heart issues. She of course made me go to the doctor, and it turned out that I was suffering stress and anxiety. I will be honest with you, I still suck at this, but I have started to speak on my own behalf. I think the breakthrough point was when I was feeling especially weak, and my wife loved me anyway.
This love that Shawna showed changed my perception. I didn't have to fear that she would think less of me. She genuinely cared about my well being. That also helped me connect back to my creator. God does not need me to impress him with my ability. In fact, He does some of His best work in us when we are at our weakest. He loves us anyway, and His opinion of us is really the one that matters.
So now I find it easier to say my back hurts. I'm still working on asking for help, but I know I don't have to suffer in silence for fear of how people will think of me. What are you struggling with? Do you have someone you can share with and be honest about how you doing? If not, feel free to reach out.
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