One year ago today, my mother passed away after a bout with Covid. The infection was rough on mom's body, especially her lungs, but that was compounded by a lifetime of smoking. Despite not having smoked for almost 16 years, the damage was done to her lungs. COPD mixed with Covid was a lethal combination.
There are burdens that we call carry at different times in our lives. They can be hardships, responsibilities, frustrations, anger, resentment, animosity, or physical burdens. The longer we carry the burden the heavier the weight becomes.
The last year has been difficult, and has had ups and downs. Some days I am frustrated that my mom refused to quit smoking, which led to her stroke, and did the damage that harmed her lungs. Some days I am mad at myself for not picking up the phone one more time to call her when I had the chance. I ask the question, "Why did you wait so long to go visit?" Its upsetting and some days heartbreaking.
During those days I do my best to turn my gaze to the positive. I remember the wonderful memories I share with of my mom. Some are of just her and I, and some of my favorite memories are of my mom with all of my siblings. These positive memories help lift the burden. I was blessed to have had Cathy Fox as a mother. Not everyone was so lucky.
The hard part is the wait. I remember sitting in her hospital room after she had her stroke. I sat with my uncle David, taking the first watch with her after a marathon day. We sat and we waited, feeling the weight of what had happened to my mom. We prayed and hoped that she would recover. As the reality of the situation, and the long term effects of her condition were laid bare, all we could do was wait.
I can not count the number of times that I received a phone call about mom and had to wonder if this would be the day she was called home. It happened repeatedly over the 16 years from her stroke to her passing. Some days I felt heavy due to the emotional rollercoaster of thinking I might lose my mom. I would be lying if there weren't days that I prayed the Lord would take her home so she wouldn't need to suffer. Then I would feel bad for even thinking those thoughts.
I know that the weight I felt during all of this was nothing compared to what my mother felt, nor was it the same as what my siblings were feeling. Each of us walked through this in our own unique way, but I do know that there was a struggle for each of us.
When the time came to say goodbye all I could think was, "wait", I am not ready. I know she was ready though. The weight years had taken its toll, and she was ready to lay down her burden. I have full confidence she passed in peace.
The promise of our faith is that there will be a day where there will be reunion. This allowed me the confidence to lay down the burden, and say goodbye knowing there will be more hugs down the road, I will just have to wait.
I do not profess to know what God is thinking, or why things happen the way they do, but I trust Him, and His timing. "Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord.." (Psalm 27:14)
What burden are you carrying that you need to lay down today?
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